Building Healthy Relationships

Knowing what a healthy relationship looks like when you’ve grown up in an abusive environment is essential if you want to grow towards healthier relationships in adulthood.

The likelihood is that you have been drawn to familiar patterns of relating unknowingly, getting into relationships that are toxic or abusive.

These may be causing you problems now such as enmeshment or co-dependency.

Most people want to be in a loving, healthy long term relationship but it may feel elusive when you are experiencing similar things to ones you grew up with.

The good news is that it is possible.

Healthy relationships depend on a few key elements:

• Open and honest communication

• Kindness and appreciation

• Conflict resolution and compromise

• Respect

• Mutual support and teamwork

• Trust

• Interdependence

Open and honest communication

Being able to be honest and open with someone means that you are comfortable expressing your thoughts, feelings and opinions without fear of judgement.

This might not be something you have experienced growing up so it takes time and effort to build the trust that is required. It also requires good listening skills and the ability to reflect on what is being said without being triggered or reactive.

Signs of open and honest communication

• You are able to talk about problems as they arise

• You are clear about what you are saying

• Both of you are actively listening

• You can ask for what you need but are also able to consider your partners needs too.

• You can respect each others views even when they don’ match your own.

Trust

Trust is essential in healthy relationships because it enables you to be fully committed. It needs to be developed and built upon. It is more difficult if your experience is one of betrayal and disloyalty. It is established by the way partners treat each other: whether you feel valued and accepted. When your partner is there for you and treats you well you develop trust.

Signs of Trust

• You believe what your partner says and don’t question their integrity

• You’re open and honest with each other and don’t keep secrets from one another.

• You feel safe with your partner physically and emotionally.

• You believe your partner would not lie or cheat.

• You trust your partner no matter who they spend time with or where they go.

Respect

Mutual respect in a relationship means seeing the worth in each other as partners, but also as unique individuals.It means valuing each other regardless of status, career, income, race, or gender.

Signs of respect

• You value each other as equals and as individuals

• You give each other the freedom to be yourselves.

• You are understanding and empathetic towards one another.

• You don’t say hurtful things about each other’s personal choices.

• You honour each other’s needs, wishes, and boundaries.

Interdependence

This means relying on each other for mutual support. You recognise you are both individuals but you want to share your life with another.

Your self esteem is not dependent on your partner’s opinion of you so you are free to be your own person. You are able to be together or apart without worrying if it will be detrimental to the relationship.

Signs of interdependence

• You’re able to maintain your individual identities within the relationship

• You’re not afraid to voice your needs and ask for what you want but you don’t need your partner to meet all of your needs

• You offer support and make room for each other in your lives

• You’ve established healthy boundaries that your partner respects and vice versa

• Both of you have personal goals, interests, hobbies, and connections outside of the relationship

Conflict resolution and Compromise

Conflict is part of every relationship at some point but it doesn’t necessarily make it unhealthy. How you manage it is what makes it unhealthy. In fact conflict can make the

relationship stronger as you work together to bring resolution. This may mean a level of compromise on both of your parts.

Conflict can be healthy in relationships, especially when serious problems need to be addressed. It allows partners to communicate and make changes that will benefit the relationship in the long term. Healthy conflict resolution typically leads to solutions or compromise.

The important thing when there is conflict is that you can reach a consensus of understanding and at least agree to disagree.

Signs of conflict resolution and compromise

• You’re willing to communicate and work through conflicts and arguments that arise.

• You’re able to remain empathetic and respectful toward one another during a conflict.

• Neither of you blows things out of proportion but are able to see the situation or issue objectively.

• Both of you refrain from personal attacks such as name-calling, insults, accusing, or blaming.

• Neither of you will resort to aggression or violence.

You’re able to discuss thoughts and feelings non-judgmentally.

• Both of you are able to take responsibility for your actions and words.

• You’re able to apologise when in the wrong.

• You’re patient with one another and willing to forgive and let things go.

• Both of you are able to focus on finding a solution rather than winning the argument or being right

5 Love Languages

How do you communicate love? You may be surprised to find that people have preferences for how they receive love and it may not match your own preference.

The five love languages are different ways of expressing and receiving love.

They are:

• Words of Affirmation

• Quality Time

• Receiving Gifts

• Acts of Service

• Physical Touch

Love languages that don’t match can cause misunderstandings or a lack of fulfilment in the relationship. One or both of you might not feel loved or appreciated enough because you might not be receiving love the way you prefer.

Learning each other’s love language means you can show love the way the other prefers.

As a result, both of you would feel happier in the relationship. It also helps you connect better, become more intimate, and feel more content.

Kindness and Appreciation

Remembering to appreciate what your partner brings into the relationship and being kind towards one another creates a warm, safe place for relating. You may have been together a long time and have started to take each other for granted but

treating a person in a kind and loving way kindles happy and lasting relationships.

Signs of Kindness and Appreciation

You treat each other with respect, kindness, care, and affection

• You genuinely compliment, praise, encourage, inspire, and motivate each other, even on simple things

• You frequently say “please” and “thank you” to each other, even for things that are expected

• You frequently say “I love you” and express your love toward one another

• You’re often accommodating and helpful toward each other

• You always take each other’s feelings into consideration

• You’re able to add small, meaningful gestures into your daily routine for each other

Conclusion

Remember that relationships can’t be 100% healthy all the time. They are a work in progress. If you are intentional and make even small positive changes they can be fulfilling, affectionate and life enhancing.

What one thing will you do to enhance your relationships today?