Narcissism

How are you finding your relationships?

Do you feel like you make all the effort without getting much in return?

Maybe you are in a relationship with a narcissist.

This blog will try and illuminate some of the traits of a narcissist and how having a narcissist in your life might play out. We will also look at how you can examine your relationship and make choices about whether this is a healthy one for you to maintain.

Narcissism is a bit of a buzz word at the moment but do you understand what it means and the implications this has on your relationships?

What is Narcissism?

Narcissism is a false self which has been built up to protect the person from connecting with their own sense of insecurity. They are in love with an idealised image of themselves. In many ways narcissists have buried their true selves and on the whole are unaware of their inability to build healthy relationships.

They treat people as ‘other’ in order to build themselves up and maintain their facade of having some importance. They need external validation and often lack emotional empathy. Narcissism operates in all areas of life: work friendships, family relationships, and love relationships.

They are extremely resistant to change even when its causing them problems. They blame others yet are extremely sensitive especially to perceived personal attacks. As a result of this people lean in to them because its easier than experiencing their coldness and rage.

Common narcissistic traits

• Sense of self importance

• Preoccupation with beauty power success

• Entitlement

• Arrogance

• Lack of empathy

• Need to be admired

• Relationships only with important people

• Exploitative interpersonally for their own gain.
  

Lets unpack some of these traits a bit more:

Grandiosity: an unrealistic sense of superiority.

They believe they are special and can only be understood by special people.

They expect recognition whether they have earned it or not. They tend to exaggerate and lie about their achievements. They are the star and everyone else is a bit player.

Live in fantasy world supporting their grandiose self:

They are propped up by delusion, self deception and magical thinking. This protects them from their inner emptiness and shame. They rationalise away contradictions and are extremely defensive if anything threatens to burst their bubble. Those around them have to tread carefully.

Need constant praise and admiration:

They surround themselves with people who keep their egos inflated. Their relationships are often are one sided. They feel betrayed if there is interruption or diminishment of praise.

Entitlement:

Expect favourable treatment. They expect everyone to comply to their wishes or you are seen as useless to them.

Exploits others without feeling guilt or shame themselves:

Others are seen as objects to serve their needs. They take advantage to achieve their own ends. They don’t understand about others having needs and lack empathy.

Demean, intimidate, bully and belittle:

Because they feel threatened by those more popular or confident they become patronising or dismissive, bullying.

Do some of these traits sound familiar to you and your relationships. Maybe you’ve experienced the put downs, a lack of noticing or understanding how you feel or the constant need to make them feel good about themselves.

How does a Narcissistic relationship develop?

It may begin with LOVE BOMBING.

You feel like you have met the person of your dreams, everything you ever wanted in a partner they present as. It may feel like they are the solution, support and security you have always been looking for and never found.

You are complimented, made to feel special. They might dote on you endlessly, take you out on fancy dates, and give you gifts, all while inflating your ego. It’s also very likely they’ll say "I love you" way too early.

Unfortunately, this period of false euphoria is usually short-lived but it is enough to get you hooked in. Like the slot machines a few wins and you are ’in’ because it feels so good…..until it’s not.

Why do you stay~?

Have you heard of a trauma bond?

A trauma bond is characterised by cycles of negative reinforcement interspersed with occasional bursts of positive reinforcement; this so-called intermittent reinforcement makes it very difficult to leave an abusive relationship.

The cycle of trauma bonding includes repeated abuse with occasional moments of being “loved” or “saved.” The brain may latch onto the positive experience of relief and safety and aim to achieve it again during the next cycle of abuse. It often forms in a relationship which is unequal where an uneven power dynamic exists.

These types of relationship do not form in a vacuum. Often they are a result of learned styles of relating formed in childhood. In fact, the relationships can often feel familiar and a repeat of early patterns.

You may identify with this pattern in your own relationship.

Trauma bonding is thought to occur in seven stages. 

1. Love Bombing: undivided attention

2. Gaining trust: testing the boundaries to see if you are ‘in’

3. Criticism: blaming and chastising

4. Manipulation: e.g. gaslighting, creating confusion

5. Resignation: their partner pleases to avoid conflict

6. Distress: their partner starts to feel emotional numbness, withdrawal

7.Repetition: cycle of abuse

So what factors lead to a relationship like this forming? Who is more susceptible?

Risk factors for traumatic bonds include:

• Family history of mental health problems.

• Existing mental health issues.

• Poor socioeconomic status and limited social support.

• Insecure attachment style.

• Poor or insufficient coping strategies.

• Existing trauma.

• Addictions.

• Narcissistic parenting/caregiving.
  

So is there hope for change?

Of course there is.

As with all relationships it starts with self awareness. From reading this blog are their red flags lighting up for you? If so you are probably in an unhealthy/narcissistic relationship. You may feel a victim to it and powerless but with courage and intentionality it is possible to change the dynamic.

Start with:

Becoming observational:

Act as if you are a neutral bystander observing your relationship.

Imagine you are conducting an anthological field study? When you are connecting with them what do you notice about their body language, tone of voice, ability to receive.

How do you find yourself feeling? Be curious but if this triggers you return to observing mode. Take a step back again.

Distancing yourself from your feelings and noticing how you interact together could be the beginning of the healing process.

How to change?

Narcissists appear magnetic and charming. It can be intoxicating but your needs will never be fulfilled in this relationship. You are only there to meet their needs and prop them up. It is not a reciprocal relationship.

You need to start seeing them for who they really are not who you want them to be. Give up the fantasy image you have of them. Don't excuse their behaviour because they will resist change and you will be the one who suffers.

Did you know boundaries are essential to a healthy relationship? Knowing where you begin and end, maintaining personal space without feeling guilty, asserting yourself are all part of good boundaries.

Setting Healthy Boundaries:

1. Know what you will and will not tolerate: communicate your limits

If you’re feeling a need to address their criticisms, you might say, “I don’t like how you’re speaking to me, so I won’t talk about that issue with you.” 

2. Recognise when to say NO

It’s important to learn how to say no to a narcissist because their requests usually centre on what is best for them with little regard for the well-being of the other person.

3. Don’t explain our choices or defend your decision

There’s no need to justify your decisions or the limits of what you’ll tolerate. The narcissistic will only see the situation from their own point of view and won’t be able to see it from your perspective.

4. Don’t engage in emotional drama:

Use the ‘grey rock method’ which means reacting with indifference and not showing your emotions. Narcissists can thrive on emotions and drama. It allows them to feel more in control of the situation and of you.

5. Don’t personalise their comments.  

It’s important to have compassion for yourself and not take their criticisms as valid feedback about yourself. Maintaining social support and feedback from others is one way to keep the narcissist’s comments from destroying your self-esteem. 

6. Set consequences and stick to them:

Being assertive with boundaries requires setting consequences. Boundaries are only effective if they include specific consequences. Think about the consequences before you state the boundaries to the narcissist. They will only work if they are consequences that you can stick to and if they are reasonable for you.

7. Call them out on what’s happening:

Pointing out what happened, at the moment, might increase their awareness and lead them to pause. While you won’t benefit from calling out a narcissist for being “a narcissist”, you may benefit from calling them out on their specific behaviour(s) which are harmful or unacceptable to you.

8. Know when to walk away

When you set boundaries with a narcissist, you might be repeatedly frustrated and find that the relationship has become intolerable for you. This is your decision, and it’s usually a difficult one to make.

9. Create an exit strategy:

Having an exit strategy is important when setting boundaries with a narcissist. A safety plan for coping with their abusive reactions to boundary setting typically includes a financial budget, a place to stay safe from the narcissist, and a network of supportive friends or family.

What to expect when setting boundaries with a narcissist?

When a person starts setting boundaries with a narcissist, they should expect the narcissist to push back. They might become angry, more manipulative, more controlling, or completely ignore the boundaries. There are ways to effectively deal with a narcissist when they act out against boundaries, such as seeking social support from friends or family. 

A narcissist may respond to your boundaries by:

• Blaming you for their behaviour

• Blatantly ignoring the boundaries

• Playing the victim

• Ignoring you completely

• Getting very angry and acting out in narcissistic rage

• Criticising you and telling you how much you need the

• Spreading rumours about you to lessen your support from others
  

Having good boundaries will help you to minimise the harm caused by their words and actions. Being aware of these can help you to stay strong in sticking to your boundaries and being true to yourself.

Focus on self care and compassion:

Offering kindness to yourself, instead of being harsh and self critical, is a great antidote.

• Speak positively towards yourself.

• Remember the nice things people have said about you.

• Remind yourself you are only human and taking one step at a time towards your healing.

• Do things that make you feel good about yourself.
  

Engaging in actions that make you feel good can reinforce the idea that you don’t need to be dependent on others to make you feel happy or good about yourself. The more you remind yourself of your own agency, the easier it will be to walk away from unhealthy relationship dynamics for good.

Remember you can do this 😊

But if you need help lean on friends who you trust.

Seek counselling: it can give you the tools and support you need when making important life choices.

Why not come to me for therapy to work through any relationship issues you may be having.