Why boundaries are key to healthy relationships.

I wonder what you think when you hear someone use the word boundaries? Does it trigger anxiety, overwhelm, and fear or create a feeling of warmth, safety and comfort. Having good boundaries is essential to our mental well being. Boundaries give us space: emotional, physical and mental and when respected bring value, honour and self esteem.

So what are boundaries?

Boundaries are the separations that humans need—mentally, emotionally, and physically—to feel safe, valued, and respected. You could say they are what makes us feel comfortable or uncomfortable.

We learn boundaries from the moment we are born. As children we explore our environment and start to distinguish where we end and someone else begins. We tend to model the behaviour of the caregiver so if we experience authentic connection and warmth we will relate to others in a warm and authentic way. However, if we learn that our thoughts and feelings are not valued we will tend to devalue them or find it difficult to give them a voice.

This may surprise you but boundaries are neither positive or negative. They are neutral, a statement of fact. Imagine a garden which has a boundary fence around it. Do you put a positive or negative value on the fence or is it just a fence? Unless you have a problem with your neighbour and their fence, it is just a boundary marking out where your garden ends and theirs begins. This is helpful to know so that you don’t start mowing their lawn and tending their garden.

For some of us growing up we were not given a clear idea about what belongs to us and what belongs to our neighbour. Taking up the garden analogy again. If I know what is my garden then I am free to take responsibility for it. I can plant borders with the flowers I prefer, plan the layout and trim the grass when it gets unruly. I may look into my neighbour’s garden but I am not responsible for it.

How are you with boundaries?

Do you find yourself saying yes to everything even when you don’t really want to?

Can you feel put on by other people’s demands on you?

Do you fell guilty if you ever have to say no? Maybe no is not a word in your vocabulary.

How do I set healthy boundaries?

Setting healthy boundaries is important but this may be easier said than done if you were not given permission to be your own person growing up. You may have learnt to be compliant, to stay quiet and put other people’s needs above your own. But without a meaningful ‘no’ we cannot have a meaningful ‘yes’.

1. Understand why healthy boundaries are important and how having good boundaries can improve your relationships.

2. Examine your existing boundaries. Are they working?

If not then consider how you can make them work better for you.

3. Decide what you want. Consider your needs first and create boundaries that will meet them, even if others won’t appreciate it.

4. Keep them simple but consistent. It is no good saying one thing and doing another. In order for people to know where your fence is it will need to be a fixture.

5. Set reasonable consequences. This will mean communicating at the start what that will be and then stick to it.

6. Communication is key so practice what you are going to say before you meet to ensure what you want to say is clear.

7. Recognise and respect other’ boundaries as this encourages respect for yours too.

Signs of healthy boundaries.

1. Asking for what you need.

2. Taking care of yourself.

3. Saying no without guilt.

4. Saying yes because you want to and not out of obligation.

5. Feeling safe to express your own thoughts and beliefs.

6. Being able to sit with the discomfort of disagreements without changing your values.

7. Knowing who you are, what you believe and what you like.

8.Not feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness.

Putting it into practice

Putting these suggestions into practice will go a long way to improving your relationships. Don’t feel overwhelmed. Choose just one to start with. It takes practice and certainly becomes easier as putting boundaries in becomes more familiar to you.

Remember you often know if you have instigated a boundary when you get push back. This is normal but stick to your guns and will you will reap the benefits.

If you feel need support with boundaries in your relationships then I can help. Feel free to get in touch and we can book in a session.